“Ma, did you know that dad is getting married?”
Not really, but anticipated the minute the girls told me that their dad had been introduced to someone. Though they said it was nothing serious, I knew that it was leading to a marriage and I was right because a week later the kids broke the news to me.
From that point on, weekend after weekend when their dad was back in Jakarta, he would take them to spend time with the other woman. My weekends were spent just by myself, my bicycle and I. I didn’t like it. She is my competition. She is trying to win the kids to the “Dark Side” as if this whole thing is like Star Wars.
This feeling of competitiveness, dislike and disgust to my kids’ step mom was so overwhelmingly powerful, but it was tiring at the same time. It consumes my emotions that led to any action that prevent the kids to spend time with their dad and her, which led to row after row with my eldest daughter. “She had been converted to the Dark Side”, I thought, while my youngest one was just chillin’.
Come to think about it, I wasn’t my ex-husband’s first wife which made me a step mom to his son from his first marriage. The difference was, she completely ditched and disconnected him from their lives, while I did not. Maybe, his first wife felt what I feel. Maybe deep down in her thought she said, “poor little thing”. These thoughts trully snapped me out of my weird mindset to think of her as my competitor. I am the complete opposite of her. I am independent, while she’s not. I watch interesting movies, while she watch Korean Drama. I earn my living, while she live off others. So she is not my competition.
Then one day, I had a conversation with Aya who said, “Ma, I am not going to judge her now. I will observe and will judge based on what I know and experience.” There are two ways of looking at this:
- I could get upset and demand that she judge her as a bad person now
- I could say “that’s my girl” and trust that she’ll judge wisely (or even if she chooses not to judge at all)
That minute I decided to choose option 2 and completely ditched the competition idea for the following reasons:
At that moment, I knew I have raised my kids well. I knew I have installed a great value in them and I knew my kids will make a wise and right judgment, if they decide to judge.
So single moms out there, or any moms out there whose ex-husband or husband decided to marry another woman, you’re not alone. I know you’re often worried that your kids are going to switch side, trust me… once you installed the right values, you have nothing to worry about, but if you think you have not, this is a very good opportunity to do so.
Lastly don’t ever feel inferior because you’re not. Who ever comes after you will automatically make you the winner first. Cheer up and keep growing.
PS: follow my instagram @gitadjambek, DM me if you want to let your guts out 🙂