So yes, I am a divorced single mom in mid 40s and here’s the story of my divorce.
My daughters think that this family consist of 2 persons parental units in 1 family. I am the go go go type, the then hubby was a no no no type. Clearly it was a clash boom bang consistently and so I decided that a 1 person parental unit in 1 family is better than 2 in 1.
I didn’t take divorce lightly. I resorted to work and work and work, just to get my mind off it. The Indonesian legal system is not pro-women after all. I went through 18 hearings, back and forth, back and forth, it was exhausting. Much more exhausting than running a marathon combined with long-distance cycling, swimming, squatting, you name it! But it was over.
Getting through it was not easy. I had to be sane, but yet I wasn’t always sane. I told myself I had to be strong for the girls yet most of the time the girls were stronger than me. So, if you’re a teenager check out how Aya dealt with it in this blog. If you’re a mom, here’s how I dealt with the process.
#1 The sun will always come out
Have you ever seen Annie – the movie or the musical? Annie was an orphan. Living with a nasty lady care-taker. Life was hard for her being an orphan but then a rich man falls in love with her and decided to adopt her as his own. If Annie the orphan can see life in a happy-go-lucky manner and she was just a kid, why can’t I? So I kept singing (despite how lousy I sounded).
The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be sun
Just thinking about tomorrow, clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow, till there’s none
#2 Yea you’re strong, but 1 + 1 is better than 1 + 0
In short, you need others. You can be strong, very very strong. In fact, you can be as strong as a sumo wrestler but even a sumo wrestler gets tired after wrestling 10 rounds in a day.
Get some help, talk to someone for a start. Like what Aya said, that someone for her cannot be her parents, and that’s so true. While my parents were more than willing to be there (if possible they would surround me 24 hours a day, but since I was living in Yangon then and they were in Jakarta, that would be almost impossible).
I chose to get professional help, from a shrink whom I paid 150,000 MMK for an hour. Bloody expensive but totally worth it! For me the reason was simple, my psych just like my body, needed to be detoxed by a pro nutritionist. If my body can get a dose of health from running and swinging some golf sticks, my psych can’t run or swing sticks.
#3 Focus and Refocus
Refocus on what’s important. Yup, that’s what I did. This is the thing, if a woman filed for divorce and the husband disagreed, then you normally go through a roller coaster of hearings. Being in Yangon did not help me at all because of the waiting for news of what’s coming up next. If I’m in Jakarta, I can hear it right from the judge’s mouth.
I have to come home and so I did when a new job land on my lap. Once I am back I refocused again on the new job, get the girls to new school and get our new home ready for the three of us to live in.
Refocusing on things that matter definitely helped to get the days go by so fast. Next thing I know, it’s been nearly 2 years since I made that decision.